Histrionic Personality Disorder
by ncfan
Summary: The Raikage's decided that Uzumaki Naruto is what you get when you take the worst qualities of children and add a God complex and histrionic personality disorder to the mix. Spoilers for 541. AU.


**Characters**: Ē, Naruto**  
>Summary<strong>: The Raikage's decided that Uzumaki Naruto is what you get when you take the worst qualities of children and add a God complex and histrionic personality disorder to the mix. Spoilers for 541. AU.**  
>Pairings<strong>: None**  
>Author's Note<strong>: Words can't describe how unimpressed I am by chapter 541, apart from the origins of the Raikage and Kirabi. The Raikage isn't the sort to just stand there and let a little kid from another village trash-talk him, no matter who it is. Also, let me reiterate, the Raikage's made it pretty obvious in the manga that he's not too impressed with Naruto. Keep that in mind. Once again, I am wearing my flame-retardant clothes.**  
>Disclaimer<strong>: I don't own Naruto.

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><p>In all his years as a shinobi, the Yondaime Raikage, known as Ē to few, has noticed that one thing, without fail, never changes about the Leaf shinobi. As a whole, they all tend to talk entirely too much.<p>

Now, off the battlefield, when not on a mission, the Raikage personally doesn't care how much anyone talks. He himself will admit to being quite garrulous during his off hours and while he's handing out missions and holding discussions with the councilors and his secretary. He will readily admit that he talks a lot off the battlefield. However, the Raikage holds the line at missions: during a mission, on the battlefield a shinobi should be all but silent.

The Leaf nin don't agree, and their tendency to start holding monologues on the battlefield have become legendary over the last sixty years. The Raikage knows for a fact that more than one Leaf nin has met a sticky end because they were too busy talking down to their opponent to notice the kunai speeding towards them from behind.

Fools.

There's something about Konohagakure children and adolescents, shinobi and civilians alike that the Raikage has noticed as well, and they're the entire reason he decided a _long_ time ago that he was never having children (Of course, the Raikage's not all that fond of kids to start with, but still…). Konoha kids are the kids from Hell.

When the Raikage stops and looks, he notes them to be the most disrespectful, insubordinate kids he's ever laid eyes on; if he had authority over them he'd have the whole lot taken out and shot for gross insubordination.

These kids from the Leaf are all damnably arrogant; self-centered, too. They think the world revolves around them, that it will stop spinning if they change their thinking. They are immediately right and everyone else is immediately wrong, no matter who it is. They complain incessantly and every bit of criticism is taken as a personal attack.

But you want to know what's worst of all?

What's worst, at least in Ē's eyes, is how they talk of suffering and deprivation and sacrifices. They talk about it on and on, about how they've had to give up so much, but the Raikage can tell just from the tones of their voices that they've never really had to give up anything in their life. The only ones, he knows, who truly suffer are the ones who don't talk about it unless forced.

The Raikage looks at the kid in front of him, swathed in a glowing chakra, and he snarls contemptuously.

Uzumaki Naruto, he decides, is what you get when you take all the worst qualities of Konoha children and add a God complex and histrionic personality disorder to the mix. Really, he's just that bad.

_He's as bad as his father, maybe even worse; at least Namikaze was polite about it._

_Must get it from that harpy of a mom of his._

This kid, this Uzumaki Naruto, he makes Ē sick. _You pathetic little brat, do you know how many people have died or been hurt because of you already? They died and were injured to protect you and you, _you _have the nerve, the damned indecency to make their sacrifices worthless by risking your own neck. You ungrateful bastard._

And Naruto, Ē is noticing, takes the Leaf tendency to talk entirely too much to the nth degree, just like everything else he does. _Rule One of being a shinobi: Never open your mouth unless you are damned sure of what's coming out of it. If you know you've got diarrhea of the mouth you might as well shut your trap._

Ē realizes suddenly that this kid, the way he's acting, actually thinks _he's_ the destinedchild. Ē doesn't know if this idea makes him want to laugh hysterically or just be sick; this egotistical, self-obsessed and Sasuke-obsessed brat is supposed to be the savior of the world? This pathetic little runt is actually laboring under the delusion that _he's_ going to be the Messiah? As far as the Raikage's concerned, there isn't going to _be_ any destined child; he never thought there would be. Jiraiya was delusional, Namikaze was delusional and this Uzumaki Naruto is the most delusional of them all. Ē will be damned if he lets one Leaf brat's delusions of grandeur bring about the end of the world as he knows it.

Back to the subject: Naruto talks too much, and he gets distracted whenever he opens his mouth. This gives Ē an idea.

The Raikage makes a comment about Naruto's father and the scrawny little brat doesn't explode but he does start staring at the ground, breathing heavily, with words coming out slowly. Oh well; so much the better. Apparently Naruto's under the impression that his father _wasn't_ a failure. Personally the Raikage begs to differ but that's beside the point.

Naruto's left himself wide open.

It takes one heavy swipe to the head and the boy is down; apparently even a jinchuuriki can have a glass jaw. _This is what happens when you let your histrionic personality disorder get the better of you—you just _had_ to get my attention, didn't you._

"You can relax, Tsunade," he calls to the rather wild-eyed Hokage; apparently she cares about this kid even if he is a pain in the neck and he's rude enough to call her "baachan" openly. "I didn't kill him." The Raikage snorts and shifts Naruto's head with his foot; all the glowing chakra has dissipated with unconsciousness.

Ē then turns his attention to Kirabi, who looks pretty nervous.

The Raikage has but one thing to say to his brother. "Kirabi, you are my brother even if we don't have the same parents. That's pretty much the only reason I won't leave your remains scattered across the countryside if you disobey me. But be warned, if you do try to resist I will bust you up so badly that even with the Hachibi working overtime to heal you you'll be in a full body cast for a week. I will _not_ let you risk your life over this."

Judging from the look on Kirabi's face, he's taking his brother seriously.

Ē's eyes narrow as he looks at Naruto, unconscious at his feet. Naruto, who would throw the whole world away because of his petty needs. Naruto, who talks to him like he's a no-name failure genin.

As with Kirabi, Ē only has one thing to say to him.

"You punk."

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><p>This is what happens when the Raikage decides to act like, you know, a <em>ninja<em>, and attack Naruto when he's not paying attention to him.


End file.
